The Christian Benteke Ebay Bidder Questions
Below are some of the ebay bidder questions asked back in July 2013, when Benteke had just been at Aston Villa for a season…
Q: Are batteries included?
A: Yes, but only ones that last nine months, which should be enough to get you through a season.
Q: Is this really for Benteke, or is it just one of those cheap, imported Heskey knock offs?
A: We understand your concern about the imported Heskey knock-offs that have been offered up recently from Australia, but no, it’s the real Benteke. His ‘Judas’ tattoo stamp is proof of his authenticity.
Q: Is there a ‘buy now’ price for Benteke?
A: Ebay would not facilitate a ‘Buy Now’ button for £25 million. Personally, I think all football transfers should be done on ebay, so they should sort out ‘Buy Now’ options for large amounts of cash.
Q: Hiya, is it possible to view the item? I’m in the Bodymoor Heath area around 10am tomorrow, if that’s convenient?
A: Certainly 10am is fine. Just in case Benteke is reluctant to train for Villa tomorrow, bring proof you would have the required 25 million, as that might jolt him into life. Failing that, bring a cattle prod.
Q: Does he come with kit and boots? Any other outfits?
A: He comes with a big box of assorted Macron outfits. A box of baseball caps, a selection of basketball shirts, various Nike trainers and 20 T-shirts that say ‘#believedat’ across the front of them.
Q: I’ve got a 2003 Vectra on the drive, was going to put it on eBay like Benteke it’s a bit rusty and not much of a looker. Do you fancy a straight swap? I will fill the tank with fuel and throw in a new air freshener.
A: Tempting offer. I tell you what, if our reserve of £25 million is not met, then we’ll talk swapsies.
Q: If I buy him, will he stay with me or sod off after 12 months
A: As we’ve stated above, he comes with a nine-month batteries, which will get you through the next season. After that? Who knows? If Belgium wins the World Cup, your chances of keeping him might be slim, as Barcelona or Madrid will surely beckon.
Q: Is this the same Benteke who allegedly told his boss twice he was staying for next season? The one whose forgotten who brought him to the Premiership?
A: Yes, the very same one. This is partly why we’ve reduced his asking price from £40 million to £25 million.
Q: Hi, If Mr Levy goes ahead with his purchase can you guarantee the slightly used player will be able to function without a Bale in the team.
A: One thing I forgot to mention in the description is Benteke is tried and tested in the ‘carrying a team on his own shoulders’ department. In terms of stats, I think he even pipped Bale in being the best one-man team last season.
Q: Does he come with a pram to throw his toys out of when he can’t go out to play with new friends?
A: We would supply a free pram,but we’re struggling to find one big enough. An idea might be to put some wheels on a skip.
Q: If you don’t sell , will you be making him train with the youth team? and therefore screwing up his World Cup squad place (Please)
A: Yes, the plan is to make him captain of the ‘bomb squad’. Romelu Lukaku has even offered to pay Benteke’s wages to make sure this happens, so then he’ll be picked instead for the World Cup. As Lukaku says, at least he was actually born in Belgium.
Q: Does the buyer get a 20% off if they take Stephen Ireland for nothing as well?
A: While the ebay rules prohibit deals on the side, that is one we are willing to entertain.
Q: Would you take an insulting offer and 3 or 4 past their prime, overpaid castoffs that I no longer want in my squad? – regards Daniel Levy
A: Hi Mr Levy, after the ‘Jenas Incident’ a couple of years ago (lets no even mention the ‘Hutton Affair’) forgive us for our zero tolerance approach to this matter. The answer is NO. We would like to offer you some advice in how to get rid of your overpaid castoffs, but as you can see at Villa, with the likes of Ireland, Bent, Given and Hutton, we have absolutely no idea.
Q: Will you take thirty pieces of silver for him?
A: Only if they are shaped in the form of bullets, so we can use them to shoot any players that think about leaving the club again. Like John Gregory should have done with Dwlight Yorke.
Q: Nice…. Ha ha love you eBay ad. Brilliant
A: Thank you. But flattery will not get you a reduction in the price of our ‘Only Slightly Used Christian Benteke’. UTV
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