Villa’s Recent Unknown Signings

If further evidence is needed, you only have to have a closer look at some of Paul Lambert’s recent signings…

Take Brad Guzan, his about turnaround to rejoin the club, after moving back to the states was always suspicious. Apparently, we learn, as a carrot, Guzan has been promised the starting Quarterback slot at the proposed Villan NFL franchise. Guzan only became a goalkeeper, after he didn’t make the grade at QB during his US college years. Lerner sees Guzan’s American nationality as perfect for making him the franchise poster boy to ease the transition from football to American football team.

Why did Benteke sign and also stay? It turns out, he was initially drafted in to play as a linebacker for the proposed UK Villans, but surprisingly took to ‘soccer’ like a duck to water.

This was unexpected.

When Benteke started to take his ‘soccer’ seriously and think about a move to a supposed bigger team to play European football, Lambert had to remind the Belgian of the plentiful NFL wages that would await him in a couple of year’s time. Not to mention, that he would son be playing games in Miami and San Francisco, rather than Stoke and Norwich.

aston villa nfl kit
Tonev – worthless in a soccer kit, but will be a major star wearing this away kit of the UK Villans

Libor Kozák  it appears was also signed as a linebacker for the UK Villans. In view of this news, his signing totally makes sense now.

The biggest Lambert signing mystery that the disclosure of Lerner’s plan now sheds light on is why Villa signed Aleksander Tonev? The truth is Tonev was  actually brought to be the kicker for the UK Villans.

Perhaps Tonev was always the biggest clue to Lerner’s secret masterplan.

His purchase has dumbfounded Villa fans for months, despite the fact the Bulgarian has been blatantly practicing his field goals during every game he has played for Villa. His recent attempt against Cardiff City brought particular praise from NFL bloggers across the pond who had started to sense something was not quite right.

With several players now signed purposely to cheat the proposed NFL expansion draft when the UK Villans finally come to be, it can only be a matter of a couple of years tops, until Lerner’s long-term plan will finally be realised.

While some supporters might miss the old days of English football at Villa Park, the change is perhaps one for the good. Soon you’ll be all chanting ‘In Lerner we trust!’

Think about it…

In the future, when you visit Villa Park you’ll get cheerleaders, fireworks, beers brought to your seat, popcorn, a wider selection of food, and a massive tailgate party before every game outside Aston Hall with hog roast and Europe’s longest beer tent.

Best of all though, those wild Tonev shots will now be worth three points.

UTV

A Venglos View is a satirical (and sometimes surreal) look at the Villa. The funniest thing about them is that some people actually believe them. Check out other Venglos View

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31 COMMENTS

  1. You almost had me for the first few paras. Gabby would be perfect for catching those long throws and I would definetely buy those kits

  2. Very funny. It’s my first one of these articles I’ve come across following a newsnow link. Thought it was serious at first but then just started laughing. Keep them up! Will look forward to reading more in the future!

  3. Complete bollix..just don’t see the point of the article!!!am still not sure of Lerner but this is science fiction!!!

    • Look up satire in the dictionary. It’s a bit of fun after finding some pics of an Aston Villa American football kit. Which posed the question – what is the story behind that?! It is actually close to science fiction – you’re totally right there!

  4. I get it, but Benteke and Kozak are both too tall and lanky to be linebackers. Tonev as kicker though, that’s funny!

  5. The only reason to think this is false is that Benteke and Kozak would make a much better wide receivers than linebackers. They don’t have the bulk for a linebacker. Other than that, I believe every word.

    • I’m not to sure about Kozák’s speed to be a wide receiver. Somebody did make a good comment on fb, saying that’s it’s obviously why we loaned Albrighton to Wigan, to improve his handling, when he comes back as our running back

  6. I’ll admit, this article works better if the reader knows about American football. But I’ve always thought of MOMS readers to be renaissance kind of people, who knew a little about everything.

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